Being at the crossroads

It's been sometime now since I've done any posting up here and the reasons are plenty. Procrastination being the major reason. Procrastination has been a reason for a lot of our shortcomings, often not allowing ourself to achieve or do what we desire to do. 


A year and a half ago, I left what was a stable environment to set out into the unknown. A hard decision to make, but I made that decision and a couple of opportunities fell in place allowing life to take a turn into what I thought was the right direction. But this stable environment is now once again shaken. Shaken by thoughts of wanting more, wanting to know what's out there, wanting to know if there's more to life... thus bringing me to a crossroad. 


So where do I go? The journey to move forward into the unknown scares the S%^$ out of me, but I don't want to look back 10 years from now and wonder "what if I had taken that road.. where will I be now?" 


We all have dream and ambitions. We don't expect to fulfill our dreams by just sitting there, you need to work for it. Nothing in life comes easy... said generations after generations and I believe it to be true. But does that mean taking risk into the unknown? 


My dreams of travel has been strong. We all love travel and I always wanted to do something meaningful in life... I mean.. I use to read about those to go abroad to help the really poor to build schools, teach english and do good. So I thought... hey.. I love life, I love kids.. why not I put my passion for travel to good use and teach English and do some good. But hey! I"m Asian... it's important to own a car, own a house, be somebody and all that other jazz. Hey! The money has been good, I survived, I own a car and I lived alright.. not complaining. But I'm restless again.. 


So now.. at 33 I'm thinking. At a crossroad to do what's right in the eyes of society and what's right for me. 

New Year, New Beginings and New Dreams

It's been a while since my last post and I started writting this on the first day of the new year but I got side tracked and today I'm determined to post this up. This week marked the begining of a lot of things for many and for the rest, it was a continuation of yesterday. With every new year, new hopes, new dreams, new ambitions and new beginings. To some it's cliche` but to many it is an opportunity. An opportunity to right what was wrong, an opportunity to start afresh, to forget the pains, the troubles of last year. 

Many see it as a new begining. A reason to build ambition, to fullfill dreams and hopes. A mark, a right of passage. 

To me, the new year is a time to improve on myself. To be a better person. To do things "out of the box" and out of my comfort zone. 2009 proved to me that I can do what I set out to do. Taking a leap into the unknown, making decisions that may have seemed to have done irrationally but turned out good. 2009 thought me that if I don't try, I will never succeed. I guess you can say, I've pushed myself to the edge, got out of my comfort zone. I did things that I only talked and dreamed of doing. Through that experience, 2009 has matured me, make me a little bit wiser and a little bit stronger in being who I am. 

New friendship were forged with people from half way across the world. A new language is studied, a whole new culture is being taught and with that, I thank my stars of 2009 for giving me the edge. So in the midst of planning for the new start, worrying about tomorrow. Let us not forget to thank. Thank 2009 for the great memories (good or bad), the experiences (no matter how horrowing it may have been), decisions made (be it right or wrong) and most of all, the opportunity to live through the year and to look forward to what's ahead. 

Happy New Year my friends. May this year bring you all that you lacked in the previous years, bring you extra joy, smiles and most of all happiness. And to the world, I wish you peace and solidarity amongst humans. 

The Song Of Life

© By Anonymous
It starts as a blank page, no lines, no words, no notes.
Gradually the staff of life appears, and music around it floats.

The title flickers as a name is given and then takes hold,
A soft steady beat begins, new, yet ancient and old.

It will grow and build during the teen years then in midlife slow,
A melody soft, gently rising high then fading again to low.

Sometimes moving with a frenzy of motion, then only a steady drone,
Each phase of life moves along with a melody and rhythm all it's own.

The harmony of thousands of interests and voices intermixes with this song.
Here a cordial harmony, there a contrapuntal melody from the throng.

There are no repeats, no 2nd endings, the bars move steadily on,
Measuring life's passage, as do the sunset and the dawn.

The beat accelerates, the rhythm driven on before pausing for a bird's eye view,
Feel then the strength in tragedy or joy as it is frozen in review.

Off again with a fanfare of horns, the sounds of life are made,
Crescendoing until the final cymbal crash of the symphony is played.

And when the overture is complete and deaths silence reigns at last,
Will the audience stand and applaud for the song of life which past?

May the music of this life be remembered then with joyful tears,
And may the song be played back often through the passing of the years.

The Purpose in Life

Having had this conversation with a particular friend some weeks ago, I found myself facing this same topic again with this same particular friend. It seems, I have been in zombie mode for the past two week and without me realizing it, it was as obvious as the sun on a bright, shinny hot summer. The truth be told, I hadn't realized that I had sunk into zombie land, I had a lot to thoughts running through my head, yes! but I couldn't place a finger on what the issue was. I am not in a relationship so it's not couple issues, I hadn't fought with friends neither did I fight with parents, job was going ok, not great but ok, financially too I was ok, doing stuff now that I couldn't afford to do earlier so it's not that... so what the hell was it? I'm afraid I didn't have the answer and thought that I'll just let this feeling pass. 


But today... as much as I hate to admit it! but today I think I know the answer. Before having this conversation today, my mind started to wander (as it often does) while driving into work and this particular conversation on our purpose in life and finding happiness does a repeat broadcast in my head. The conversation revovled around finding happiness and the purpose of our life once certain milestones or targets in life has been achieved. The question of "What's Next" was the key point in the conversation. All this as a result of simply spending one weekend at home and realizing that though the time alone and finally having a weekend at home...but it was just not enough. There was still something missing. At first, we brushed it aside by justifying that we're probably adrenaline pumped due to the crazy work week where deadlines were due and we barely had time to take a piss and the sudden fall of activity on the weekend was just a bit of a shock to the system but when we looked further in, there was some truth to the conversation of "what's next? what is the purpose of our life"? 


Again! I hate to admit it but he was right... What is next? I've been trying so hard to force myself to deny that the next step in life is possibly finding a partner to share my days with. But being the rebel that I am and trying hard to not be the norm, I question, again and again... why does it have to be about having a life partner? What is wrong with spending your life alone as an independent women, being happy with your life, traveling, leading life by your own rules, having fun and simply enjoying life and the freedom. But the word ALONE & SINGLE two simple words in the english language but creates such complex in one's life. 


Do we really want to lead and live out the rest of our lives alone and single? Are we going to be happy with all the freedom, the travels, the parties, the various men (and or women!) and everthing else when we're all wrinkled and living out the last days of our lives? What do we look back too? Who are we to share our lives with? Stories, experiences... I guess it is nice to have someone to care for and care for you back. The rebel in me is still fighting to come out and deny all this... "Who needs this"? "Why should I risk a broken heart"? But then... what would life be if we played it safe all the time?


So maybe it is time for me to succumb to the instituion of regular thought! The school of marriage and a family. It's an inner demon that I have to fight with myself... I say I ain't ready, but then... maybe I am but it's because I'm so busy fighting with myself that I just don't realize it. 


Is it really the purpose of life? We are born, we grow up, we grow our first tooth, we walk and we fall. We go to school, fall in love for the first time, have our first heartbreak, finish school, head out to university and start a somewhat independent life, party the night away, drink our livers, experiment with drugs, cigarettes, sex and then we work. What's next? Our days are spent at work, friends, parents, gym.. but for how long? For some who are more ambitious.. work is life, but when you're done at the end of the day, what's next? Is life such a monotony? You climb the corporate ladder but what's next? As my friend says... materials goods can give you happiness all for but a moment... so what kind of happiness do we seek for our lifetime? What is our purpose? 

The Jiwang Feeling

Today, is one of them days when I'm feeling a tad bit jiwang. Maybe it's because I am missing someone deeply.... But! who is it that I'm missing? I'm not quite sure myself but it's just this feeling that you have deep down inside, it's like a missing link. 

It's generally been a no weekend, weekend for me. What it means that it's just been work, work and more work but I ain't complaining. I still managed to fit in my sessions at the gym and the occasional chat with friends. But yet, today seems to be an odd day for me. 


From listening to Jim Brickman, Lionel Richie and now my collection of Back to Love Bossa Moments. I still have a presentation to complete but I can't rid this feeling that I have. 


Isn't it weird that sometimes we have this nagging feeling deep down in our gut, we cant' put our fingers to it, but we know that something's up. It vary's from a bad feeling to just an unexplainable feeling. Some call it our intuition, others just refer you just being overly anxious. So tell me, what do you do when you have such a feeling of loneliness?


This feeling, this unexplainable feeling... it doesn't care if you're married, single, with family and surrounded by friends and loved ones. It still has a way of creeping up toward you and taking you hostage. Some last a couple of hours, while others it can last a few days. So again I ask this question, what do you do? 

Listen to your collection of I tunes and sing your heart out? Or do you just lay in bed and let your mind wander and dream? I'll tell you what I would like to do in situations like these. I would like to pick up a book, play jazz music in the background and have a cup of coffee while reading my book. Immersing my self in my book, going into my alternate reality and eventually falling asleep and hoping that when I wake up the next morning, this feeling will be replaced and I'm back to my silly, goofy and bubbly form. What else can one hope for?

Attempted Murder... at the gym! Day 1

Today was session number 4 at the gym! I was at the gym yesterday too and had a rather good workout for almost an hour and a half. Today though, I wasn't on such top form. 

Woke up this morning, excited and motivated to head to the gym and begin my 14 day experiment. But when I got to the gym, I find that it was day one of my periods (did I just see you squirm?!) and wondered if I should go home or continue. I decided to continue and went on the treadmill to warm up with a nagging reminder to constantly check my alignment. Wean (my trainer) comes to me and I ask him if we could vary our training today as I'm worried of leakage and the sweet man that he is, he says " ok.. don't worry Juwen (don't laugh! that's how he calls me!) we won't do abs and running, we take it slow"... Boy was I excited at the word slow! But boy I tell you... I was in for a surprise. 


We went from treadmill to squats to leg press to shoulders to biceps and to more squats... with dumbells, weight balls, resistance machine, jumping jacks, stepper and finally on the treadmill again! 1 hour 20 minutes later, I was drenched and ready to scream murder! 


Breakfast was a bowl of Nestle Fitness Cereal and Low Fat High Calcium Milk and lunch was RICE (I had to have rice) with tofu, vege, mushrooms, and chicken breast pieces....For tea it'll be an apple (green organic) and dinner will be 2 slices of whole wheat bread, half a can of tuna in water and a plum and just before I go to bed, I'm just gonna have a warm glass of water. 


Oh Lord! I pray for strength and dicpline for the next 13 days!

A Mission to a Healthier Me!

After a 6 month hiatus from the gym, I woke up one morning 2 weeks ago and decided to pack my bag ( my gym bag that is!) and get my big heavy ass to the gym. So I got ready in the morning, got in my car with the intention of heading to the gym. About 8 km from the gym (15 km from home) I realized that I didn't have my gym shoes! So instead I headed to work. But on the way back, I had this nagging thought and forced myself to call my previous trainer and make an appointment for the next day. Yes! I had a trainer previously. Exactly a year ago I went to the gym and decided to get myself a personal trainer. I needed someone to guide me and push me. Efforts were rather fruitless in the begining as I never really watched my food, but after making a life changing decision early this year of quitting my job, I had more time for the gym and also stayed away from Fast Food (which was my staple diet previously). I saw the results. I had lost 8 kilos... I was feeling healthier and felt good. 

So now I'm back after putting on 6 kilos!! I'm back with my trainer (who I must say looks damm good now after loosing some 20 kilos!) and motivated . It felt rather odd at at the same time familiar, walking back into the gym. I remembered how much I actually enjoyed being there and how much I missed working out. 

Of course, I've had to take a trainer again and pay a bomb for it. But I blame no one but myself for being a lazy ass bum! If only I had continued I wouldn't have needed to start from scratch again. Well, it is a lesson learnt. A painfull lesson I might add. First day back at the gym, it was as though my trainer was determined to punish me! He pushed and he pushed. I left the gym 2 hours later, exhausted and about to collapse but feeling refreshed. Body ached but that was nothing compared to waking up the next morning! 

First of all, I could barely get out of bed, rolling over was also such an effort and painful! Walking to the toilet was the most torturous thing that I had to endure and when I finally made it to the toilet, I COULD NOT SIT ON THE POTTY!! My thighs, my calves, my abs, my toes.. they all hurt. So there I was... in the toilet for a good 3 minutes, trying to figure out how in the world do I put my bum down! It was such a feat! Well, that conquered, eventually, it came to brushing my teeth... one word "OUCH"! That wasn't the end of it... I went to work and seeing that my office is on the first floor and we have no lift... It took me 5 minutes just to walk up the stairs...I was hoping sympathy but all I got was laughs *sobs*.. but I told myself... "serves you right Gwen"!! 

Well, 4 PT sessions down the road, I'm still sore the next day after each workout. But also know that there is a reason why they say "no pain, no gain"

So here I am, Gwen Lewis on Friday, 6 November weighing........(did you really think I was gonna tell you my weight??!!! Fat hopes!!) promise to work out at least 4 times a week and begin a journey on being my own biggest loser! 

a name is just a name, a rose by any other name is still a rose....

Juliet speaking:

What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.
~ Shakespeare , Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II

This will make some of you squirm and you men, may blush a little, but I find that I need to think out loud on this one. I'm not talking about a rose or any other flower for that matter, but instead, I'm talking about Periods! Y'know... the eicky, gooey, annoying (to some relief) thing that women have to go through for a good 30 to 40 years of their life. Ok! Ok! some of you aren't comfortable with that word, so what shall we call it?? Let's see there's a more professional name to it " menstruation"... then there's the camouflouged name of "Aunty Rose" (who usually come along with Uncle Pain and Aunty Flo(w)), there's also "crimson flow" (doesn't that sound like a movie? I half expect Denzel to come rushing out!) oh and this one amused me heaps! "KETCHUP WEEK"!! That will surely put me off any sort of Ketchup for LIFE! 

But seriously, I mean, it's not something that happens only in Malaysia, in fact I remember reading somewhere that it's a worldwide similarity. Girls/ women all over the universe have some name for it or the other! In fact, i would take a calculated guess and say that only 8 or maybe 10% of women actually use the word Period! Or will say "I got my period today". 5 simple words that somehow struggles to be formed, and when you finally do say it.. you say it as quickly, swallowing half your words and with a blush on your face with hopes the listening party hears you but doesn't hear you at the same time.

So, my question here is.. Why? Why are we so ashamed? Why are we so embarrassed by it? I mean, it's not something uncommon, unusual or freakish it's NORMAL. But for this! I blame society, I blame our parents and our parents parents. Something that would have been taboo 50 years ago isn't taboo anymore today but we are all creatures of habit. What get's passed down is continued to be passed down and the chain just continues on.

And you men out there (and some women)! If you're done squirming in your seats... here's a fact for you! Your mother had her period, your sister has her periods and so does your wife, so face it! It's mother's nature's way of giving us balance, it let's us have babies, it our femininity...so don't squirm, don't run the other way... face it, embrace it!

Here's leaving you with something from an episode of Seinfeld. 

Elaine (munching on a snack, flipping through a magazine.) Oh, Jerry, I just left my old sanitary napkin on the top of the toilet by mistake. Just toss it in the garbage."
 
Jerry: WHAAAA??

Kramer. (hands akimbo) Why are you so upset about a soiled sanitary napkin. The menstrual cycle is women's connection to nature and the life-cycle.

Jerry. It's disgusting! Ask George. He feels the same way.

George: Sorry, Jerry. I am comfortable with Elaine's womanhood.

Elaine: (smirking) He's easy with the period.

Jerry. All I know is I want that thing out of my house or, or, I'm going to call the movers. .