The Purpose in Life

Having had this conversation with a particular friend some weeks ago, I found myself facing this same topic again with this same particular friend. It seems, I have been in zombie mode for the past two week and without me realizing it, it was as obvious as the sun on a bright, shinny hot summer. The truth be told, I hadn't realized that I had sunk into zombie land, I had a lot to thoughts running through my head, yes! but I couldn't place a finger on what the issue was. I am not in a relationship so it's not couple issues, I hadn't fought with friends neither did I fight with parents, job was going ok, not great but ok, financially too I was ok, doing stuff now that I couldn't afford to do earlier so it's not that... so what the hell was it? I'm afraid I didn't have the answer and thought that I'll just let this feeling pass. 


But today... as much as I hate to admit it! but today I think I know the answer. Before having this conversation today, my mind started to wander (as it often does) while driving into work and this particular conversation on our purpose in life and finding happiness does a repeat broadcast in my head. The conversation revovled around finding happiness and the purpose of our life once certain milestones or targets in life has been achieved. The question of "What's Next" was the key point in the conversation. All this as a result of simply spending one weekend at home and realizing that though the time alone and finally having a weekend at home...but it was just not enough. There was still something missing. At first, we brushed it aside by justifying that we're probably adrenaline pumped due to the crazy work week where deadlines were due and we barely had time to take a piss and the sudden fall of activity on the weekend was just a bit of a shock to the system but when we looked further in, there was some truth to the conversation of "what's next? what is the purpose of our life"? 


Again! I hate to admit it but he was right... What is next? I've been trying so hard to force myself to deny that the next step in life is possibly finding a partner to share my days with. But being the rebel that I am and trying hard to not be the norm, I question, again and again... why does it have to be about having a life partner? What is wrong with spending your life alone as an independent women, being happy with your life, traveling, leading life by your own rules, having fun and simply enjoying life and the freedom. But the word ALONE & SINGLE two simple words in the english language but creates such complex in one's life. 


Do we really want to lead and live out the rest of our lives alone and single? Are we going to be happy with all the freedom, the travels, the parties, the various men (and or women!) and everthing else when we're all wrinkled and living out the last days of our lives? What do we look back too? Who are we to share our lives with? Stories, experiences... I guess it is nice to have someone to care for and care for you back. The rebel in me is still fighting to come out and deny all this... "Who needs this"? "Why should I risk a broken heart"? But then... what would life be if we played it safe all the time?


So maybe it is time for me to succumb to the instituion of regular thought! The school of marriage and a family. It's an inner demon that I have to fight with myself... I say I ain't ready, but then... maybe I am but it's because I'm so busy fighting with myself that I just don't realize it. 


Is it really the purpose of life? We are born, we grow up, we grow our first tooth, we walk and we fall. We go to school, fall in love for the first time, have our first heartbreak, finish school, head out to university and start a somewhat independent life, party the night away, drink our livers, experiment with drugs, cigarettes, sex and then we work. What's next? Our days are spent at work, friends, parents, gym.. but for how long? For some who are more ambitious.. work is life, but when you're done at the end of the day, what's next? Is life such a monotony? You climb the corporate ladder but what's next? As my friend says... materials goods can give you happiness all for but a moment... so what kind of happiness do we seek for our lifetime? What is our purpose? 

The Jiwang Feeling

Today, is one of them days when I'm feeling a tad bit jiwang. Maybe it's because I am missing someone deeply.... But! who is it that I'm missing? I'm not quite sure myself but it's just this feeling that you have deep down inside, it's like a missing link. 

It's generally been a no weekend, weekend for me. What it means that it's just been work, work and more work but I ain't complaining. I still managed to fit in my sessions at the gym and the occasional chat with friends. But yet, today seems to be an odd day for me. 


From listening to Jim Brickman, Lionel Richie and now my collection of Back to Love Bossa Moments. I still have a presentation to complete but I can't rid this feeling that I have. 


Isn't it weird that sometimes we have this nagging feeling deep down in our gut, we cant' put our fingers to it, but we know that something's up. It vary's from a bad feeling to just an unexplainable feeling. Some call it our intuition, others just refer you just being overly anxious. So tell me, what do you do when you have such a feeling of loneliness?


This feeling, this unexplainable feeling... it doesn't care if you're married, single, with family and surrounded by friends and loved ones. It still has a way of creeping up toward you and taking you hostage. Some last a couple of hours, while others it can last a few days. So again I ask this question, what do you do? 

Listen to your collection of I tunes and sing your heart out? Or do you just lay in bed and let your mind wander and dream? I'll tell you what I would like to do in situations like these. I would like to pick up a book, play jazz music in the background and have a cup of coffee while reading my book. Immersing my self in my book, going into my alternate reality and eventually falling asleep and hoping that when I wake up the next morning, this feeling will be replaced and I'm back to my silly, goofy and bubbly form. What else can one hope for?

Attempted Murder... at the gym! Day 1

Today was session number 4 at the gym! I was at the gym yesterday too and had a rather good workout for almost an hour and a half. Today though, I wasn't on such top form. 

Woke up this morning, excited and motivated to head to the gym and begin my 14 day experiment. But when I got to the gym, I find that it was day one of my periods (did I just see you squirm?!) and wondered if I should go home or continue. I decided to continue and went on the treadmill to warm up with a nagging reminder to constantly check my alignment. Wean (my trainer) comes to me and I ask him if we could vary our training today as I'm worried of leakage and the sweet man that he is, he says " ok.. don't worry Juwen (don't laugh! that's how he calls me!) we won't do abs and running, we take it slow"... Boy was I excited at the word slow! But boy I tell you... I was in for a surprise. 


We went from treadmill to squats to leg press to shoulders to biceps and to more squats... with dumbells, weight balls, resistance machine, jumping jacks, stepper and finally on the treadmill again! 1 hour 20 minutes later, I was drenched and ready to scream murder! 


Breakfast was a bowl of Nestle Fitness Cereal and Low Fat High Calcium Milk and lunch was RICE (I had to have rice) with tofu, vege, mushrooms, and chicken breast pieces....For tea it'll be an apple (green organic) and dinner will be 2 slices of whole wheat bread, half a can of tuna in water and a plum and just before I go to bed, I'm just gonna have a warm glass of water. 


Oh Lord! I pray for strength and dicpline for the next 13 days!

A Mission to a Healthier Me!

After a 6 month hiatus from the gym, I woke up one morning 2 weeks ago and decided to pack my bag ( my gym bag that is!) and get my big heavy ass to the gym. So I got ready in the morning, got in my car with the intention of heading to the gym. About 8 km from the gym (15 km from home) I realized that I didn't have my gym shoes! So instead I headed to work. But on the way back, I had this nagging thought and forced myself to call my previous trainer and make an appointment for the next day. Yes! I had a trainer previously. Exactly a year ago I went to the gym and decided to get myself a personal trainer. I needed someone to guide me and push me. Efforts were rather fruitless in the begining as I never really watched my food, but after making a life changing decision early this year of quitting my job, I had more time for the gym and also stayed away from Fast Food (which was my staple diet previously). I saw the results. I had lost 8 kilos... I was feeling healthier and felt good. 

So now I'm back after putting on 6 kilos!! I'm back with my trainer (who I must say looks damm good now after loosing some 20 kilos!) and motivated . It felt rather odd at at the same time familiar, walking back into the gym. I remembered how much I actually enjoyed being there and how much I missed working out. 

Of course, I've had to take a trainer again and pay a bomb for it. But I blame no one but myself for being a lazy ass bum! If only I had continued I wouldn't have needed to start from scratch again. Well, it is a lesson learnt. A painfull lesson I might add. First day back at the gym, it was as though my trainer was determined to punish me! He pushed and he pushed. I left the gym 2 hours later, exhausted and about to collapse but feeling refreshed. Body ached but that was nothing compared to waking up the next morning! 

First of all, I could barely get out of bed, rolling over was also such an effort and painful! Walking to the toilet was the most torturous thing that I had to endure and when I finally made it to the toilet, I COULD NOT SIT ON THE POTTY!! My thighs, my calves, my abs, my toes.. they all hurt. So there I was... in the toilet for a good 3 minutes, trying to figure out how in the world do I put my bum down! It was such a feat! Well, that conquered, eventually, it came to brushing my teeth... one word "OUCH"! That wasn't the end of it... I went to work and seeing that my office is on the first floor and we have no lift... It took me 5 minutes just to walk up the stairs...I was hoping sympathy but all I got was laughs *sobs*.. but I told myself... "serves you right Gwen"!! 

Well, 4 PT sessions down the road, I'm still sore the next day after each workout. But also know that there is a reason why they say "no pain, no gain"

So here I am, Gwen Lewis on Friday, 6 November weighing........(did you really think I was gonna tell you my weight??!!! Fat hopes!!) promise to work out at least 4 times a week and begin a journey on being my own biggest loser! 

a name is just a name, a rose by any other name is still a rose....

Juliet speaking:

What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.
~ Shakespeare , Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II

This will make some of you squirm and you men, may blush a little, but I find that I need to think out loud on this one. I'm not talking about a rose or any other flower for that matter, but instead, I'm talking about Periods! Y'know... the eicky, gooey, annoying (to some relief) thing that women have to go through for a good 30 to 40 years of their life. Ok! Ok! some of you aren't comfortable with that word, so what shall we call it?? Let's see there's a more professional name to it " menstruation"... then there's the camouflouged name of "Aunty Rose" (who usually come along with Uncle Pain and Aunty Flo(w)), there's also "crimson flow" (doesn't that sound like a movie? I half expect Denzel to come rushing out!) oh and this one amused me heaps! "KETCHUP WEEK"!! That will surely put me off any sort of Ketchup for LIFE! 

But seriously, I mean, it's not something that happens only in Malaysia, in fact I remember reading somewhere that it's a worldwide similarity. Girls/ women all over the universe have some name for it or the other! In fact, i would take a calculated guess and say that only 8 or maybe 10% of women actually use the word Period! Or will say "I got my period today". 5 simple words that somehow struggles to be formed, and when you finally do say it.. you say it as quickly, swallowing half your words and with a blush on your face with hopes the listening party hears you but doesn't hear you at the same time.

So, my question here is.. Why? Why are we so ashamed? Why are we so embarrassed by it? I mean, it's not something uncommon, unusual or freakish it's NORMAL. But for this! I blame society, I blame our parents and our parents parents. Something that would have been taboo 50 years ago isn't taboo anymore today but we are all creatures of habit. What get's passed down is continued to be passed down and the chain just continues on.

And you men out there (and some women)! If you're done squirming in your seats... here's a fact for you! Your mother had her period, your sister has her periods and so does your wife, so face it! It's mother's nature's way of giving us balance, it let's us have babies, it our femininity...so don't squirm, don't run the other way... face it, embrace it!

Here's leaving you with something from an episode of Seinfeld. 

Elaine (munching on a snack, flipping through a magazine.) Oh, Jerry, I just left my old sanitary napkin on the top of the toilet by mistake. Just toss it in the garbage."
 
Jerry: WHAAAA??

Kramer. (hands akimbo) Why are you so upset about a soiled sanitary napkin. The menstrual cycle is women's connection to nature and the life-cycle.

Jerry. It's disgusting! Ask George. He feels the same way.

George: Sorry, Jerry. I am comfortable with Elaine's womanhood.

Elaine: (smirking) He's easy with the period.

Jerry. All I know is I want that thing out of my house or, or, I'm going to call the movers. .

Sex and the City

A series that was first released in the US in 1998 and a winner of multiple awards and the creation of a a movie, Sex and the City is a girls best friends. Women all around the world could identify with them, 4 women young, modern, single (well, that's how they started out), beautiful women, living in New York who deal with life standing by each other, gossiping on their sex lives, travels, dreams, heartbreaks, life and finding ways to being a women in the 90s.

We each wanted to be a Carrie, a Miranda, a Charlotte and some even a Samantha Jones. 4 different characters...Let's see, first there's Carrie Bradshaw; petite writer who is fashionable and a shoe addict who is somewhat always confused and looking for love. A character that a lot of us can relate to. There there's Miranda, the red head. Career minded, workaholic and cynical in her views on relationship and men (who isn't??) but who eventually gets pregnant and becomes a mother and leads life trying to balance everything. Then we have Charlotte, sweet, optimistic, believes that love is love and not lust and last but not least we have Samantha Jones. Now she, I would shamelessly admit, is an idol. Older lot of the group, confident both sexually and emotionally but most importantly loyal to her friends. These characters bare it all among each other with honesty and openness, with no fear of being judged and looked down upon, but instead are supportive and pillars of strength to each other... true friendship.

The show has become such a hit that so many of us downloaded the entire season or even bought the DVD collection just so we can watch it again, a movie marathon weekend maybe. Some of us even took the various quiz online to see which character we reflected (I turned out to be a Miranda!). It seems to be a character analyzer to for some. A somewhat new friend once asked me, "which character are you"? and I replied "30% Carrie, 20% Charlotte, 20% Miranda and 30% Samantha"

I remember when the series was first aired here in Malaysia, many of us cleared our diaries to be home just to catch the first episode and when the movie was released, some of us even made plans to go watch it with our girlfriends. In honor of the movie, some of us wanted to get all dressed up, have a wonderful dinner and the head over to the cinema to catch the movie, all in true style of Sex and the City. My girlfriends and I were one of them. We planned and looked forward to the outing, talked about it so much but when the time came, we never did it. The exact reason why I can't remember. Maybe it was work or timing, I can't remember. I also remember, how I almost drove to Singapore to catch it with a colleague but when we found out that it was going to be censored we didn't think it would be worth the trip. We then considered flying to Hong Kong for the weekend just to watch it but again, that didn't materialize so what we did is, we got the CD from Hong Kong. A few months later once the legal CD was out, the girls and I, gathered at a girlfriends' place for a pot luck lunch (kicking her hubby out of the house) to watch it. We laughed, we teared and we connected.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, some of us have our very own "Sex and the City" in our lives but we don't realize it or we take it for granted. We may not be in New York, but we have our friends that we can rely on be it through the good times and the not so good times. We all have our Samantha's, Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte. They may not all come in fancy designer packages and we may not hang around in fancy restaurants sipping cosmopolitans, but we have them in our lives, together as a group or individually near or far. We need to remember that these are the people that will laugh and cry with us, so treasure it.

So head on out.. grab your girlfriends, your guy pal your best friend. Meet up for lunch, even if there's nothing to talk about. Just hang out...spend time together. Life's too short and in this wicked and cruel world of ours, we need as much support as we can get. Let's not life, family and commitment get in our way. Let's all have our Sex and the City moments.

Here's ending this entry with one of my favorite quote by Samantha Jones... she says this to the girls...

Samantha: I think I have monogamy... I caught it from you
Carrie: Yes, it's airbone

Right one... Wrong One.. WHICH BLOODY ONE??!!!

32 years on and I'm still asking the same question. Simple question actually and a very generic one. Be it the right shoes, right car, right gift, right man... you can't escape from asking this damm question!

In case you're wondering if this is currently bothering me, I won't lie to say that it's not! AND we've all heard the... "oohhh don't worry, you'll know when the right one comes along" or " if it feels right, it's the right one".

But hey! Like shoes and clothes.. after a while, they don't fit quite as right y'know. Shoes get worn out or they expand and don't secure your feet as it should. Dresses get tattered or out of fashion or worse! A woment's biggest nightmare.. TOO TIGHT! So what happens with "the right one"? Does it wear out too? Does it also become tattered?

So my next question is; How would I know if he/she/it is the right one for me? I guess we don't. It's one question that doesn't have a straight answer. It's a question just like the black hole or the bermuda triangle. A mystery that can never be answered with a single answer. For a lot of people out there it's timing, to some it's luck while to the other's... it's fate. I believe in fate. I believe that our lives are determined by the big chief up there, but I also know that you need to work to make things work. But sometimes you work so hard, you pray harder and you hope even bigger, the answers just never come to you. Maybe it does and you're just not listening or maybe even the answer is not what you're looking for that you ignore it and still ask for answers. So tell me now: How do we know? How do we know that this will last forever and won't wear out? I guess, we'll never know and it's a risk, a gamble that we all take.

But when all is at wits end... no ones says it better than Mr Big (from Sex and the City- The movie)..."That's why you need a diamond... to seal the deal"

 

My first official follower!

I'm still trying to get a hang of this entire new world of blogging. I'll take my time, there's no rush.
I recently put up a question on my facebook page asking friends on what their opinion was on me starting a blog. Here is what some of them had to say :

Dlia Zarsadias

Its fun! Its expressive..

Cheah Chun Kit

yes !! go for it !!

Jonathan Joseph

As long as they're not self indulgent, I'm all for them!

I must thank them for their opinion. I've also received comments from MM (my chocolate demon) who says "I will read forever"! which made my day and my night ;-)) *beijos*. But I'm excited! I have my first official follower! Sergio. My George Clooney...My King.... my "flatulant" friend.

Sergio or Doc as I sometimes call him, is a great friend. We met through to what some will call unconventional means but to most, it's the way of the future... we met online. Since January, we've exchange notes on our native language. He teaches me Portuguese while I help him with his English. To think that we've only known each other only for the past 9 and half months, but it seems like we've been friends forever! It's amazing what technology can do! Webcams, mics and with skype and google talk and msn... friendships can be formed no matter how far each other maybe. To think that Doc was the first person I turned too when I was stuck in a bit of a rut a couple of months back.. In tears I talked to him and he with a 13 hour time difference, stood by me and helped me get through it...

Our daily routine consists of talking to each other online for at least a couple of hours per week, he teaching me new words in Portugeuse and I nudging him along with his, rather good english speaking skills. We've both come along way, in both our language and friendship. I sense when he's having a bad day and he knows when I'm having a bad day. His dedication to his work, his intelligence and his passion and determination in improving his english amazes me and I salute that in him.

It is also from him that I leart how the people of Brazil are warm and loving people... Having met his friends, talked to them, his mum, his wife.... I must say, they are what you read. In my course of doing my research on Brazil... I came across interesting articles on the life of Brazillians and their behaviour. "Friendly, outgoing, warm, outgoing, love to dance and love for life...." are just some of the words that describe them and it's something that I don't deny.

So in this article! I dedicate to my friend... Sergio...

Wanting to See the World....

In the words of J.R.R Tolkien

"Not all who

wander are lost"

Since I was a kid, I've always wanted to see the world. Thanks to mum and dad who when I was no more than 4 years old, saved up their money to get us our very first Encyclopaedia collectio

n. I remember vaguely... 12 sets ranging from Cities around the world to buildings, science, space... gosh you name it and it was all there. I was often intrigued and remember even back then, I dreamt and imagined being inside the pages and standing next to the buildings. I think I actually

pictured myself being inside the Hanging Gardens of Babylon...

Many of us have dreams of travel, everyone want's to see the world, get on a plane, experience new things, boast about being in a foreign land, to seek new adventures... whatever the reasons maybe it's in all of us. To some, travelling to somewhere far is a luxury that one may not afford, and I admit, it's not something that everyone can afford... but to those who can almost make it, travelling is not about being luxurious but instead its an adventure. If you're young and adventurous... forget Monaco and Casino Royale and 5 star accommodation... think youth hostels, budget travel, packed sandwiches for lunch, taking free walking tours.. there's so much to go by with and it doesn't require a whole load of money. Heck, even if you are planning on local holidays.. plan ahead..thanks to Air Asia, now everyone can fly.. plan and book early. Easier said then done

though. I for one should talk! But let's leave that for another entry.

My dream was to have travelled to at least most of the continents by the time I reach 30, but now at the age of 32, I've only done I guess 4% of the world. Well, I guess it's better than nothing right? Wanting to experience the culture, the food to talk the talk and to walk the walk... knowing the locals... the history. My passion for travel is so deep that I took Spanish and French in University, just so that when I travel I could mix with the locals!

My dream is to head back to Europe this time to spend more time travelling to Spain, Italy, Rome, Vatican City and of course Portugal.... where my family is originated. Israel, Jerusalem, Egypt, French Polynesia, Hawaii..... those will have to wait, 'cos for now my biggest dream is to head to Brazil.

I've prepared for this trip and I now eat, sleep, drive, dream and talk Brazil. I've been taking up the language (thought not very good eu nao falor mais portuguese) thanks to some very good friends online who have been so kind to share their language with me, their lives and their families. Warm as they are, they have told me so much about their lives and their country that I feel that I've lived in it! My heart is there. I've read, I've researched, I've planned. Now all I need is to find the date and the time and of course my ticket in hand. Time seem to past so slowly and I look forward to the day that I head to the airport to make my journey....

Meus amigos de Sao Paulo; Sergio, Felipe & MM e meu amigo de Minas; Everthon...

Eu estou ansiosa pela minha viagem ao Brazil.

Again a quote from a travel page I read.. "Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins

Starting Out...What is a Blog?

Today is day one of my blog. Why am I starting this, I don't know. I won't lie to say that I've never thought about it, in fact I remember my first attempt being back in 1997, when I was a student at University. Then there was a few other attempts.. or should I say failed attempts. Many reasons. Sheer laziness! and along with the other excuses of " No Time, No Inspiration.. bla bla bla"....

I've read a few blogs and snickered at some of them while a lot of others I found to be entertaining, thought provoking and some just comical. There are many reasons why one writes a blog and there is no right or wrong answer. It's a great way to send news and keep loved ones updated on what you're up too (sure beats writing everyone emails of updates and happenings, but these days with Facebook, Twitter and stuff, who needs to write emails?). But I also think that it's great therapy. I DO! Sometimes writing your thoughts down, keeps you in a sane frame of mind, nobody is asking you to bare your soul to the world wide web but just enough to feel good, if not for yourself but for others.

Anyways, moving forward. Why I decided to start? Well, a good buddy of mine from Brazil (who I might add I've never met but we've talked and chatted so often, it feels like we know each other well enough to be classified as friends) told me just now that I should and well... HERE I AM! What the contents will be, I don't know, I guess I'll talk a lot of my travels, my observations, my thoughts and maybe too my dreams...

To Everthon:

Obrigada, meu amigo :D

I shall end this post with a quote..... Confucius says " To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right."